Before the Ring: The Foundation Before Forever

A reflection on unintentional courting, self alignment, and building a love that lasts.

Imagine isolating and immersing yourself among leaders with the intention of focusing on self-development and networking — and suddenly, your life changes. It seems that’s often how it happens: when you’re minding your business, not searching, not forcing, simply becoming. That’s how it unfolded for me. And from conversations with other couples in my circle, that’s how it unfolded for them, too.

It began with a text — well, a few texts, actually — but I’ll spare you the long version. I knew something was different from day one. I was being pursued intentionally and asked on a date the very week I was returning from a leadership event. At the time, I didn’t recognize the significance. Looking back, I see clearly that this was the moment the rhythm shifted.

He traveled two and a half hours to take me on our first date. I was having a terrible hair day and felt anxious, unsure of what to expect. Yet somehow, in his presence, there was calm. An innocence. No pressure. No expectations. Just two people with genuine hearts, desiring to be seen.

Because I know this may sound crazy, scary and maybe even impossible.

One date turned into three months of consistent effort, time, attention, and reciprocation. Three months. Six hours round-trip every weekend. Long conversations that ended with neither of us wanting to say goodbye — with him sometimes sleeping in the car just to gather enough energy to make it home. And still, no expectations. By that, I mean no sex. No assumption that it was owed. Nothing to cloud our judgment or distract us from the outcome we desired. Something with depth. Something with sustenance. Something with the potential for longevity.

During those three months, a foundation of friendship grounded us in safety and understanding. We truly heard one another and became each other’s safe space — a place where we could laugh, share our dreams and visions, and simply be. Friendship gave us permission not to perform, not to pretend. It softened the hardened parts of ourselves. We approached one another with curiosity instead of control.

Through my now-husband, I learned the quiet power of the slow burn of courting — wisdom I now share with my sistahs. Talking and dating certainly have their place, especially for those not desiring marriage or navigating lighter seasons of life. Each serves a purpose. Talking is where titles are undefined and time and attention can be fleeting. Dating allows you to learn yourself through connection with others, clarifying desires and deal breakers. Courting, however, is where investment begins — where friendship deepens and the outcome is understood: longevity and a life together.

I’m not sure why courting has become a lost art, rarely discussed in modern dating culture, but I hope this sparks conversation — and change. I believe situationships flourish over courtship because they require less responsibility, less clarity, and less communication. They allow us to “go with the flow” instead of flowing with intention. Situationships prioritize aesthetics over alignment and make it easier to ignore red flags rather than honor them and move on.

Courting prepared us for a life built on shared values, friendship, and a vision beyond butterflies and chemistry. It set the tone for marriage — a continual choosing, pursuing, and seeking to understand one another in every season. It rooted us in peace and purpose. And while courting may be seen as old-fashioned, I believe it is foundational — and can be practiced in ways that are even healthier and more intentional than before.

To my sistahs desiring marriage — and even to the brotha who may stumble across these words — I encourage you to incorporate courting into how you approach love. Discover your non-negotiables. Clarify your desires, starting with the outcome you want. I told my husband while we were courting that if he wasn’t interested in building a legacy, we should keep it pushing. He agreed. What was once abstract has becomes clearer as we grow into ourselves and into one.

Approach love with curiosity — beginning with yourself. Slow down. Pay attention to intentions. Delay physical gratification. Pour into those who pursue you without apology and reciprocate your energy. You deserve a love that is expansive in understanding and rooted in peace and joy. Stop entertaining lackluster participation just to experience fleeting infatuation, only to end up emotionally and spiritually drained.

With Love,

LaVianca Asante'

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ABOUT LaVianca Asante’

LaVianca Asante’ is a writer, creative visionary, and feminine wellness advocate dedicated to helping women rediscover sacred rest, divine identity, and aligned living.

Through her storytelling, workshops, and sacred immersion experiences, she weaves together spirituality, healing, and artistry to remind women of their inherent power and wholeness.

Her work explores themes of faith, femininity, restoration, and creative freedom — calling readers into deeper connection with themselves and God Within.

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