I (16F) Think My Mom Hates Me — #AsktheAunties

THE SCENARIO

I’m 16, and I don’t know how to say this without sounding dramatic, but I think my mom hates me.

When she’s single, she treats me like I’m her best friend. We watch movies together, she compliments me, she tells me I’m her “ride or die.” She says I’m beautiful and that I’m all she needs.

But the moment she starts dating someone, everything changes. She cancels our plans. She becomes distant. She criticizes my body and the way I dress. She compares me to her boyfriend’s daughter and once told me, “Men don’t like girls who act like you.” She tells her boyfriends personal things about me that I told her in confidence. If I defend myself, I’m suddenly “disrespectful” or “jealous.”

Sometimes it feels like she competes with me. If someone compliments me, she makes it about herself. If a man notices me, she gets cold and quiet.

I looked up narcissistic personality disorder, and some of the traits feel familiar — especially the need for validation and the lack of empathy.

I love my mom. But I don’t feel emotionally safe with her.

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

— Confused Daughter (16F)

GOT A QUESTION?

If you’ve got a question on your heart, the Aunties are listening. 💌

 Want advice from our Auntie panel? Submit your question here and your letter may be featured in our next column.

Advice from Auntie Monet

Sweetheart, your feelings are not disrespectful — they are information.

What you’re describing sounds less like motherhood and more like insecurity. Some women were raised to believe that a man’s attention is their highest currency. When that belief goes unexamined, it can turn daughters into competition instead of legacy.

You are not her rival. You are her child.

It is not your responsibility to shrink so she feels secure. You can love your mother and still create emotional boundaries. Protect your peace early. Focus on building independence — emotionally, academically, financially. Soft life starts with self-preservation.

Advice from Auntie Deborah

Baby, I want you to hear this gently. Honor does not mean endure harm.

Scripture teaches children to obey, yes, but it also instructs parents not to provoke their children to anger. If your heart feels unsafe, that matters. Your feelings are not rebellion — they are signals.

Your mother may be operating from wounds she has never healed. Pray for her. But also seek safe spaces for yourself. A counselor, a mentor, a trusted adult. God sees what you feel, even if your mother cannot.

You are not too emotional. You are young and deserving of tenderness.

Advice from Auntie Soleil

Oh, sweetheart. This feels generational.

When mothers compete with daughters, it often has less to do with the daughter and more to do with internalized messages about youth, beauty, and male validation. Society trains women to equate worth with desirability. If she hasn’t healed from that conditioning, your youth can feel like a threat.

But you are not responsible for managing her insecurity.

Start practicing energetic boundaries. Share less. Keep sacred parts of yourself protected. You can love someone and limit their access to your spirit. That is not cold — that is conscious.

Advice from Auntie Charlene

Let’s call it what it is. Some mothers are jealous of their daughters. Not all. But some.

If she competes with you, shares your business with men, and minimizes your feelings, that’s her ego and low self-esteem. You are sixteen. You are not in competition with a grown woman.

Stop trying to win approval that keeps moving. Focus on your education. Build your resume. Prepare for your future. Respect the household rules, but emotionally detach from the need to be validated by someone who may not have the capacity to give it.

You are not crazy.

Advice from Auntie Nadine

I’m glad you wrote in. What you’re describing includes patterns often seen in narcissistic relational dynamics — emotional invalidation, triangulation, intermittent warmth followed by withdrawal. That unpredictability can create anxiety and self-doubt in children.

It is important to remember that recognizing unhealthy patterns is not the same as diagnosing your mother. However, your experience is valid. Feeling unsafe emotionally is significant. If possible, speak with a school counselor or licensed therapist. Therapy is not betrayal. It is support.

You deserve stability.

Advice from Auntie Magnolia

Baby, in my day we used to say, “Hurt people raise hurt children.”

Your mama may be hurting in ways you don’t understand yet. But listen to me closely — a mother’s job is to raise you up, not size you up. Keep your head focused on your future. Get your education. Mind your peace. One day you will have your own home, your own rules, your own atmosphere. And you will remember how this felt — so you won’t pass it down. That’s how cycles break.

In Closing

At the end of the day, every Auntie has her own flavor of truth — some soft, some spicy, some soaked in prayer and some wrapped in sage smoke. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and remember: you are not alone in your questions. Love, motherhood, family, confidence, duty — these are womanhood & girlhood conversations, and you’re brave for naming yours out loud.

If this letter sounded like your life, let it be a mirror, not a verdict. Your story is still being written, and you have permission to choose yourself with honesty, compassion, and courage.

And now, we’re passing the mic to you.

SISTAH community — what would you tell our letter writer? Share your advice in the comments with love, respect, and sisterhood.

Until next time, keep sending your questions. The circle is open, the Aunties are listening, and the wisdom will always meet you right where you are.