The Marriage Looks Perfect — So Why Do I Feel Alone? #AsktheAunties

THE SCENARIO

I, 30F, and my husband (34M) have what most people would call a “good marriage” — stable, respectful, kind on the surface. We don’t fight, we share bills, he’s dependable, and we look great on paper. The truth is… there’s no romance. No spark. No emotional intimacy. We didn’t marry for love — it was convenience, timing, and the fact that everyone told us it made sense. At first I thought feelings might grow, but years in, we operate like business partners who happen to share a house and last name.

We do the “good wife, good husband” thing — dinners, family events, polite affection — but when I’m honest with myself, I feel lonely while married. I crave connection, softness, butterflies, something real. We’re not toxic, just empty. I’m torn between gratitude for the stability and grief for the romance I’ve never experienced. How do you handle a no-romance marriage when nothing is technically wrong, but everything feels wrong?

GOT A QUESTION?

If you’ve got a question on your heart, the Aunties are listening. 💌

Want advice from our Auntie panel? Submit your question here and your letter may be featured in our next column.

Advice from Auntie Monet

Baby, life is too long to spend it unloved and untouched emotionally. A “good on paper” marriage is just a nicely formatted resume — but you still have to live the job every day. You don’t get medals for suffering politely. You deserve partnership, not just paperwork. Now, I’m not saying leave tomorrow — but you need to ask yourself: If nothing changed for the next 10 years, would you stay? If the answer is no, don’t waste your youth negotiating yourself into numbness. Money can be rebuilt. Stability can be rebuilt. Time cannot. Choose a life that feels good, not just one that photographs well.

Advice from Auntie Deborah

Now listen, baby. Marriage is not butterflies every day. Covenant is commitment and intentional work. Sometimes romance don’t “just exist” — it’s cultivated, watered, spoken into. Ask yourself: have y’all tried to build intimacy? Prayed together? Dated each other again? Been honest about your loneliness? A convenience marriage can become a love marriage — but both hearts must be willing. Before you walk away, seek counseling, seek God, seek truth. But also hear me clearly: marriage should not feel like a lifelong funeral. God is not calling you to die a slow emotional death in His name. Fight for it — or release it with integrity.

Advice from Auntie Soleil

Your body already told you the truth — you’re grieving a life unlived. Convenience marriages are contracts, and your spirit is starving for connection. Don’t gaslight yourself into calling emptiness “stability.” You deserve reciprocity, desire, laughter, passion, and presence. If your energy is shrinking in this union, that’s your intuition speaking. Have the real conversation — not the polite one. And if the love isn’t mutual or possible, give yourself permission to choose yourself without guilt. You are not a bad wife for wanting to feel alive — you are a woman waking up.

Advice from Auntie Charlene

Alright baby, I’m not going to dress this up. You made a business deal and now you’re shocked it feels like a business deal. Convenience is cheaper up front and expensive later. The cost is your joy. If you stay, don’t complain — call it what it is and make peace with it. If you want romance, go get a romantic life. But stop straddling the fence between “I want passion” and “I’m scared of change.” You can’t keep both comfort and desire when they live in two different houses. Grown women make decisions, not excuses.

Advice from Auntie Nadine

Let’s slow this down. You’re mourning the absence of love — and that grief is valid. But I want you to examine the origin of this marriage. Did you choose safety because of fear? Pressure? Childhood beliefs about worth? Sometimes we pick “convenience” because we don’t believe we’re worthy of choosing joy. You deserve a relationship where you are emotionally seen. Before you leave or stay, please explore individual therapy and couples counseling. Not because you’re broken — but because you need clarity. Ask yourself: What do I actually want in partnership? And am I willing to advocate for that woman?

Advice from Auntie Magnolia

Chile, let me tell you something my mama told me — “Companionship without love will make your bones tired.” In my day, folk stayed married no matter what, and I watched a lot of women disappear inside nice houses. You don’t have to vanish to be called “a good wife.” You two got comfort but not connection. Talk to that man with honesty and kindness. Tell him your heart is cold. Maybe he warm it with effort. Maybe he can’t. But don’t you dare shrink your spirit just because the marriage certificate got your name on it. God made you for living, not just staying.

In Closing

At the end of the day, every Auntie has her own flavor of truth — some soft, some spicy, some soaked in prayer and some wrapped in sage smoke. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t, and remember: you are not alone in your questions. Love, marriage, loneliness, desire, duty — these are grown-woman conversations, and you’re brave for naming yours out loud.

If this letter sounded like your life, let it be a mirror, not a verdict. Your story is still being written, and you have permission to choose yourself with honesty, compassion, and courage.

And now, we’re passing the mic to you.

SISTAH community — what would you tell our letter writer? Share your advice in the comments with love, respect, and sisterhood.

Until next time, keep sending your questions. The circle is open, the Aunties are listening, and the wisdom will always meet you right where you are.